Tag: Work Humor

Excuses

Outrageous Excuses For being Late to Work:

My heat was shut off so I had to stay home to keep my snake warm.

My husband thinks it’s funny to hide my car keys before he goes to work.

I walked into a spider web on the way out the door and couldn’t find the spider, so I had to go inside and shower again.

I got locked in my trunk by my son.

My left turn signal was out so I had to make all right turns to get to work.

A gurney fell out of an ambulance and delayed traffic.

I was attacked by a raccoon and had to stop by the hospital to make sure it wasn’t rabid.

I feel like I’m in everyone’s way if I show up on time.

My father didn’t wake me up.

A groundhog bit my bike tire and made it flat.

My driveway washed away in the rain last night.

I had to go to bingo.

Image Credit: Imgarcade

Out of Office

Best ‘Out of Office’ Automatic Email Replies:

I am currently out of the office at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. Please be prepared for my mood.

You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn’t have received anything at all.

Sorry to have missed you, but I’m at the doctor’s having my brain and heart removed so I can be promoted to our management team.

I will be unable to delete all the emails you send me until I return from vacation. Please be patient, and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.

Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first 10 words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.

Image Credit: Raluca Tarcea

Company Policy

Effective Immediately:

Dress Code:

It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.

If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

Sick Days:

We will no longer accept a doctor’s statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

Personal Days:

Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday and Sunday.

Bereavement Leave:

This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.

Restroom Use:

Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the “Chronic Offenders” category. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sanctioned under the company’s mental health policy.

Lunch Break:

Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that’s all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplation’s, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.

The Management Team

Image Credit: Host Icon